Live Life With No Regrets!

If we were to marry someone who is perfect, then that person could never grow because he/she is perfect.

So really, there isn't someone who is perfect at anytime. Just as all things grow. Each one of us must grow.

And as husband and wife, we help each one to grow towards the fullness of Christ, to become more loving, kinder, stronger, faithful, hopeful.

What I think is more important is the direction in which the person we marry is headed. Stagnancy is out of the question. The other is in which way is he growing? In love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, gentleness, kindness, faithfulness and self-control. Or is towards greed, the love of money, ruthlessness, anger, vanity, pride, slander, gossip, falsehood or more? Yes, we may exhibit some of the bad things, but the question is... are we growing out of it?

That is the question for marriage. It is the direction each person is growing towards that is just as important as what he/she is now.

Posted by Nico at 2:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Sometimes as we go along in life, a man may ask God "Why did you give me a sex drive? I wish I didn't have it." Or a woman may say, "Men are such perves, they look at me with disgusting eyes."

I think that if these people really got what they are implying they wouldn't want it.

The sexual drive is to be celebrated as a gift of God. Imagine instead that men with too strong a drive became gay, impotent, or castrated? Sales of viagra show how older men long for the time when they were more youthful.

And if you think men are perves just for looking at you, have you met the woman who wishes a for that day a man might even look at her?

Sooner or later, that time will come when we will lose our sexual potency, our youthful attractiveness. Celebrate that time of youthful strength, and the full bloom of the body that God gave to you. Neither abuse it but enjoy the gift of God.

Posted by Nico at 6:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I've learned that on the first date, a guy should always offer to pay for it. Never mind about the modern liberated woman, blah, blah, blah.

Herzberg's Motivational Theory states that there are hygience and motivational factors. Money is a hygience factor. Without money people will get demotivated, however more money will not motivate them.

I realized that it applies to dating too.

Money isn't everything in dating. A guy lavishing gifts on a woman doesn't mean that he loves them nor does it necessarily mean the lady will feel good.

However, if the guy doesn't even offer to pay for the date, or buy dinner, it demotivates. More money doesn't show that he loves him. But no money may be a strong indicator that he doesn't love her.

Posted by Nico at 2:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

For those thinking of a good list of romantic songs to play during your dinner, here's my favourite list of romantic songs, in no particular order.

She - Elvis Costello (Used by my friend at his wedding dinner, very nice.)
Up Where We Belong - Joe Cocker & Jennifer Warnes
Tonight, I Celebrate My Love - Peabo Bryson & Roberta Flack
Just The Way You Are - Billy Joel
Somewhere Out There - Linda Ronstadt & James Ingram
How Deep Is Your Love - Bee Gees
All I Ask of You - Cliff Richard & Sarah Brightman
All For One, All For Love - Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart, Sting
Celebrate You - Steven Curtis Chapman
Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman - Bryan Adams
Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton (lyrics are really meaningful)
(Everything I Do) I Do It For You - Bryan Adams
True - Spandau Ballet (used in countless movies)
Truly Madly Deeply - Savage Garden
Eternal Flame - Bangles
Endless Love - Lionel Richie, Diana Ross
Your Song - Elton John
We've Only Just Begun - The Carpenters
Every Woman In The World - Air Supply
Annie's Song - John Denver
Perhaps Love - John Denver
Emotion - Destiny's Child
Hopelessly Devoted To You - Olivia Newton John

Posted by Nico at 3:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

A friend of mine remarked that Italian men are really romantic lovers. But why can't Chinese or Japanese be known as great lovers? What about Christians?

The thing is in the Asian cultures, we are meant to be conservative. And as a Christian there are boundaries in sex, but that doesn't mean we can't be great lovers.

I was reading "Song of Songs" the other day and realized that the first verse starts with "Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth..." Now everyone has different levels of comfort. Some people consider the first kiss as the moment of proposal, and some consider it morally fine for people dating to kiss.

But what I want to highlight is that Songs celebrates it by using the words: "lover" and "beloved". I don't want to be just a boyfriend or a husband. I want to be a LOVER. I've never ever met someone introduce his/her boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife with "this is my lover" or "this is my beloved". I think Christians should do that. A man can be boyfriend or a husband yet not be loving. But a lover? It goes against its definition.

I think also that Songs of Songs teaches that romantic love and the enrapturement of that feeling is also good. Sure, there is infatuation and true love, but romantic love is still a gift of God. Lovers should praise their beloved, telling them how beautiful they are and how they long for them.

Perhaps it still happens, but I can only guess at best it is done behind closed doors in an Asian culture. I think that couples should use more intimate terms to refer to their significant other especially in public. What I hate most (and this may offend some of my friends) is when they call each other with the terms "Mummy" and "Daddy", as if their identities and relationship with each other is referenced through their children.

Posted by Nico at 11:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The myth of someone, somewhere out there who is "the one" for you should be debunked.

If you were to go back to the old testament and start looking for "the one" you will be greeted with mystified looks. In the olden times, people never thought of finding "the one" only "a good one". Why can I say that? Because in those times can be many "good ones" and a man was allowed to married all of them!

Abraham had 3 (Sarah, Hagar (or rather childbearer), and Keturah)
Jacob had 2 (Leah and Rachel)
King David had 8
And lets not get into the numbers that King Solomon had!

If we were to walk up to them, and ask them for advice for finding "the one" they would be perplexed.

Some people think if they pray hard enough or sincerely enough, then a spouse will somehow drop out of heaven. We think of how Eliezer prayed for a wife for Isaac, and one fitting the criteria specified by him just walked by. But if we want to look at it in the full context, it was the servant who did the finding. So shall we ask our maids and butlers to find a wife for us and then trust in their choice? We must remember that the case of Isaac and Rebekah is an arranged marriage.

Another thing is that in Genesis 24:5,8 Abraham and Eliezer discuss on rejection. They take it for a fact that the other person may choose to reject. Sometimes I hear of a guy/girl who says to the other person "God told me that you would be the one. So therefore you can't refuse me." Now it may be true that it truly is God's will. But then again, it is God's will for us not to sin, yet many people do it anyway.

In the end, I think, everyone is given freewill and a choice. Beyond this one instance of divine intervention people in the Bible got married in many different ways, even through a sinful experience like adultery (David and Bathsheba).

I have a few colleagues from India, and the way they approach marriage is in a non-chalant way. Arranged marriage is quite the norm to them. They trust their parents to make the choice for them. They may talk on the phone a few times, go back to India and get married after not meeting them for more than a few times.

The idea of "the one" is a product of fairy tales. That a prince charming will come and rescue the damsel in distress. It is hardly Biblical.

The myth of "the one" causes second guessing, thoughts like "maybe I made the wrong choice. maybe I heard from God wrong. etc.."

The only other instance of an explicit divine command of marrying someone specific is Hosea who was told to marry a prostitute. And even when it was divinely ordered, it brought plenty of pain to him. Did Hosea think "maybe I heard from God wrong? perhaps it was my imagination?"

Perhaps the lesson to learn from this is that if you do have problems in your marriage whom you believe was divinely inspired is that you have to stick with it!

I think the problem with the easy route of divorce is that we cannot accept reality of marriage. That we are marrying another human with all his/her strengths, weaknesses, habits, foibles and follys. We fall into the trap of wishing for a Prince Charming, or Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty.

Note: Please do not think at any point that I am making a case for polygamy, only one against a dangerous myth of "THE ONE". I believe in a "good one" not a "good two or three or four". Remember: Jesus said "No man can serve two masters." :-)

Posted by Nico at 7:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Most women want to marry a man that is just as tall or taller than them. Very rarely do they say they don't mind someone shorter. Even if he is shorter, it is only slightly less.

This is a case of where there are physical requirements in finding a mate.

Nobody blinks an eye when a girl says that. Almost every tall girl I know finally married someone taller than them. I think maybe I should have my own requirement, just as tall women want guys taller than them, I should require my wife to be slimmer than me or have bigger boobs than mine.

But seriously, there is this mistaken belief that physical appearances don't make a difference.

I think it does. In acting, modelling, stewarding in an airline, appearances do matter.

Posted by Nico at 1:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

It would be meaningless to have the world in your hands, and yet have no one to share it with.

Posted by Nico at 12:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Some might be general and long-term, such as planning a particular life-style—to build an ideal home, to provide the best possible education for the children, or to implement a religious way of living in a modern secularized society.

The family must be both differentiated and integrated. Meaning each person must develop his/her uniqueness and if one is successful, the rest of the family is happy and proud and when one is down, the family rallies around him/her. Integration means each person's goals matter to all others.

(My own notes: This reminds me of the Biblical notion to develop our own giftings and yet be united as one body).

How parents interact with a child will have a lasting effect on the kind of person that child grows up to be:

An optimal experience has 5 characteristics:

1. Clarity. The children feel that they know what their parents expect from them. Goals and feedback.
2. Centering. The children's perception that their parents are interested in what they are doing in the present, feelings and experiences and not whether they will be going to university or get a good job.
3. Choice. Children feel that they have a variety of possibilities in which to choose, including that of breaking parental rules—as long as they are prepared to face the consequences.
4. Commitment. The trust that allows the child to feel comfortable enough to set aside the shield of his defences and become unselfconsciously involved in whatever he is interested in.
5. Challenge. Parents dedication to provide increasingly complex opportunities for action to their children.

Posted by Nico at 8:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

God hates divorce.

But it is a necessary evil, or to put it another way, the lesser of two evils.

Frankly, I do not understand divorce, and I understand divorce at the same time.

First of all, I understand--after having rented a room from a horrible landlady for 3 months--what it is to live under the same roof of a ungracious, rude and petty woman. Her character came through in the way she dealt with the people around her, not just me but also her son, projecting her frustrations, and problems onto him. I stayed out more, watched soccer matches at coffee shops till late and dreaded returning back to my rented room. At one point, I felt like saying, "I finally know why your husband divorced you!!!!". Of course, I kept that to myself. :)

I pity the son even more. For when I can move out, he cannot.

I do not understand divorce because, what problem is there that cannot be solved in a marriage? What problem, what attitude, what object is there that cannot be removed or changed?

So, coming back to the question, what problem is there that God cannot solve? Nothing, except the hearts of men. Because men have free will, He cannot intervene.

Stubbornness, pride, unforgiveness, denial are the obstacles that stand in the way. No one can change a person except him or herself.

So even if one party changes but the other continues to injure the other one, divorce happens.

Jesus said that God hates divorce but allowed for divorce because of the stubbornness of hearts.

It is not in Gods will or plan for divorce, but at times it is a necessary evil.

I once asked a group of friends of mine why are there Christians who divorce? The reaction had a touch of patronisation. They were lawyers, in their course of work they hand encountered many Christian couples who had divorced. The reason for this is that in my mind "Christian" means one thing and another to them.

"Christian" means to me people who truly make Jesus their Lord and saviour. "Christian" to my listeners mean people who have "Christian" written in the religious column of the application forms or who go to church in body but do not worship in spirit and in truth.

I asked another lawyer friend of mine, and he said "Of course! If a couple submitted to Christ, there would never be any divorce."

Therefore, in marriage, Christ must truly be the Lord. The husband and the wife each must submit to God, instead of letting their own pride be their master. When hearts are submitted before Christ, all things are possible.

Posted by Nico at 2:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

One of the biggest and most misleading ideas implied in church culture (not official teaching) is:

• Just wait, God will provide for you a mate.
• If you are spiritual enough, and seek God earnestly, God will give you the best. Don't settle for second best.

With that two statements, it misleads people who are seriously looking for a mate.

First, because of that a lot of people just sit around waiting for a life-partner to drop out of mid-air into their lives.

God certainly does provide, he provides the birds of the air food, but still the bird must look for the worm. God gave the Israelites the land, but they still had to go in and fight for it. It was not passive inactivity that won the day. God does his part, we must do ours.

Next, what is this idea of "second best"? If A was meant for B but instead marries C this will cause a chain reaction where B marries D which leads to E who was supposed to marry D to marry F and so on... So with just one choice, we cause the whole universe held together by God to crash? Even Microsoft Windows performs better than that!

So we end up with a lot of singles in church, waiting and just waiting... perhaps one of them thinks that she must serve God more, perhaps she wasn't spiritual enough.

So she volunteers... for the children's ministry. Good luck in increasing her odds of finding someone there.

Which leads to another thought. Before the invention of the automobile, most people married within a radius of 2 miles from where they lived. But with the invention of the car, people married within 100 miles from where they lived. Did God's will suddenly change because of the car?

Another wrong idea is that we shouldn't date around too much. It's like playing around we don't want to be considered a 'loose' or flirtatious. Look, if you're righteous enough, you're not going to have sex, it's just getting to know people!

Dr. Henry Cloud in his book "How to Get a Date Worth Keeping"recommends that we change our view of dating:

1. See dating as a wonderful time to find out about other people and what they are like.
2. See dating as a wonderful time to find out about yourself and how you need to change.
3. See dating as an end in and of itself.
4. See dating in a way that takes the pressure off.
5. See dating as an opportunity to love and serve others.
6. See dating as an opportunity to grow in skills.
7. Perhaps promise yourself that you will make no serious commitment for a certain length of time.

Posted by Nico at 3:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Craziest thing done since my last birthday?

Returning my NKF donation envelope filled with peanuts, and adding extra postage to make sure it will reach them.

For today, I give my faithful audience a flashback to the past, 1990 to be exact...

Continue reading "The 33-Year Old Virgin" »

Posted by Nico at 1:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

A lot of people of have been asking me the type of woman that I like, and I've been always been answering "My type is hard to find!"

Okay, now I'm going to publicise just a few of the things that I want in my woman. It's not the complete list, but just some, as well as to prove the chances of me finding such a person is hard.

Continue reading "Statistics, statistics, statistics" »

Posted by Nico at 4:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)